::"Without God's Word as a lens, the world warps."

I had written this journal entry about five months ago, on a day a few weeks after I had sprained both my neck and right leg in the summer. It's a rant, really, and was meant only for sorting through my thoughts and my own purpose, not intending to post it anywhere. But this past week in our women's Bible study at church, this excerpt from a book that was so meaningful to me was brought up by someone, and I feel God asking me to share, in hopes that it may be an encouragement to you.
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08-27-12

I look across the room, still groggy, at Stephanie's bed. She's gone on a sleepover, and David is there taking her place..he's just waking up too. He rubs his eyes, cuts that toothless smile at me and it's a whole new day, just beginning.

I swing open the refrigerator door, but know full well already that there's nothing inside for my breakfast. Why can't I be a normal person with a normal intestine so I can eat normal food?

Getting ready..missing clothes. I already asked her about this once, and now why are my clothes with her things? Jokes and laughing. It was just a question, you don't have to make fun of me for it.

No food at lunch. I steal a bite of the kids' Raviolli from the pot and go sit down. Nothing I can eat. The boy is still hungry, looking for more, but it's gone. No, I didn't eat it all, I only had some because there's nothing here that I can have, so why blame me?? I rip apart an orange and squirt myself in the eye and do the dishes starving.

I limp because my foot hurts worse and it's supposed to be almost better. Right, left, I set my foot down - sharp pain up my leg. I'm tired of not being able to walk down stairs, get my own pen when it falls, do my own chores for goodness sake. My neck is stiff and my foot won't get better and I'm grumpy.

Her arms go around me and she hugs me tight, even while I'm grouchy all day long from everything crazy and upside down. I won't tell her all the silly reasons why my day is crumby even though moms love us even on our pointless bad days.

I fall on my back onto my bed and open a book and begin reading for dear life. The air conditioning is broken upstairs and I'm hot on the inside, too. Black and white words on paper - I'm only scanning, trying to be thankful and happy again. I'm stopped cold by those stop-you-in-your-tracks words of perspective that you dread for fear of being corrected. I stare at the page:

"Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love? That Satan's way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus' way? Why else get angry?" *

I blink hard. I keep reading..

"How did Jesus do it again? He turned His eyes. 'And looking up to heaven, He gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave...'(Matt 14:19). He looked up to heaven, to see where this moment comes from. Always first the eyes, the focus. I can't leave crowds for mountaintop, daily blur for Walden Pond - but there's always the possibility of the singular vision. I remember: Contemplative simplicity isn't a matter of circumstances; it's a matter of focus."

Deep breath. Focus. All those moments, each flare that builds up into my day that I call annoyances, frustrations, road-blocks - are they really....opportunities? Opportunities to put on my 'spiritual lenses' and see God in the moment? To give thanks even for the hard, for what I see as bad, because He has a plan even in that? Because my human-sight is so backwards and warped from what He sees. It's possible.

I slump into the realization that He's caught me red-handed.

And I want to fight, I want to be angry, I want my way. People frustrate and I get upset at foolish things - and just leave me be. I feel His eyes down on me, but it is not a glare of punishment, but of forgiveness, of pity. Of love. I want to flail, but I cannot push away.

The focus. I read again, "Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love?....Contemplative simplicity isn't a matter of circumstances; it's a matter of focus."

I have to stop; I give up my tantrum and He holds me still. “See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything. See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally. See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began, by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it. How can anything be amiss?” (Norwich)

Heavy sigh of lifted burden. Because once again I've forgotten, fallen, failed. And once again He's paused, forgiven, loved, reminded. He draws me back to focus. I'm humbled by my petty selfishness, and overwhelmed by His grace. 

I pray and ask Him to be my lenses. With Him as my focus, I can conquer with love. Oh, for His guidance to see as He sees.

"Be Thou My Vision."

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*Anne Voskamp, 1000 Gifts